Should we take back someone that has cheated?

I was with my first serious boyfriend for four years from the age of 16. I trusted him wholeheartedly (and perhaps naively), I used to joke that I could happily leave him in a room full of underwear clad women and not worry about what would happen.

A year into our relationship, I found out he had cheated on me, both emotionally and physically. I was devastated and the trust I had so easily instilled in him was shattered. I took him back and we stayed together for 3 more years, but looking back, I don’t think I ever truly trusted him properly again.

Should we take back our partners when they have cheated on us? Below I explore the reasons why we should (and shouldn’t).

 

YES WE  SHOULD

If he confesses and explains why – instead of you just finding out from investigating or from the girl/guy herself. By confessing, it shows they have regretted it and are also honest. Often the main heartache with cheating is the fact the person has lied and being secretive. If they have confessed straight away it shows they are still somewhat, an honest person that made a mistake.

It depends on the type of cheating – was it emotional cheating or physical? If I had to pick, I would be more inclined to forgive a drunken one night stand than a long emotional affair that perhaps didn’t involve a physical element.

Look at their track record – does the guy or girl have a history of cheating? If they don’t and it’s a one off, then you may be more inclined to forgive them on the basis that it would be unlikely (but not definite) that they would do it again. If you are one of many girlfriends that he has cheated on, alarm bells should be ringing, and you should use this as your chance to get out.

Address your relationship issues – sometimes, when a partner cheats, it forces the couple to address the obvious issues in their relationship that perhaps they have avoided in the past. If both parties are willing, they can work together to improve the problems they are facing. This may result in change in character for the guilty party – they may stop drinking/drugs/going out all the time. In order for this to work, the couple need to address why they think this happened in the first place.

 

NO WE SHOULDN’T

Can you ever trust them again?– you need to ask yourself this question and listen to what your inner voice immediately responds with. Is the relationship past fixing, or do you both care enough to still make it work? Can you promise yourself that even if you forgive them you will forget it completely and not hold it against them in the future?

Address your relationship issues – in the same way as this conversation may help improve the relationship, it can also flag the glaring reality that you are both in fact, not compatible, not in love, not right for each other etc.

Do they show any guilt or remorse for what they did? – If they confessed, then obviously they do, but if you found out, are they annoyed that you discovered their secret, or genuinely regretting their actions?

Are you sure affair is over? – just because you have found out that they have been cheating on you, doesn’t necessarily mean their affair is over. Given that your trust in them will have faltered, can you be sure that they will call off the affair once you discover it?

If get away with it once, think they can get away with it again – perhaps the biggest argument for why you shouldn’t take a cheater back. Regardless of how you get around the issue, whether you take a break, talk it out, get therapy, ultimately, the outcome is that they have cheated on you and you have taken them back. There always be a possibility, that once they are aware of this, they may not hesitate in doing it again.

 

To my fantastic readers – have you had a partner cheat on you? If so, how did you react? Would you do anything differently now?

@asinglegirlinlondon

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I'm a 25 year old single girl in London, blogging about my dating adventures, London culture and the best burgers I can find in this city.

68 thoughts on “Should we take back someone that has cheated?

      1. I disagree. dont you love both of your parents, siblings? yes its a different type of love, but not that different.

        i believe that if you ever completely stop loving someone, that it never really was love to begin with.

        i will always have feelings for people i cared about, just to varying degrees.

        doesnt mean i’d bang all of them.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I finally had a wake up call, had my entire lifes behaviour brought to the surface when he found out I was emotionally cheating. I snapped to attention and it started my new way of living. With counselling sessions and total new set of friends and evident changes and continious choices, i finally became someone that could admit her wrong doings, come to terms with everything and hey, me and him are still together . Kinda seeing me through it as it were. There are so many different circumstances and situations out there. I am so happy he chooses to continue to be with me. As difificult as it gets sometimes and intense… I know he knows I’m actively trying to be my best self without any of those old habits in place.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this! It’s great to hear about it from the other perspective and goes to show that if you are willing to work at a relationship and iron out the issues it can work 🙂 I’m glad all is well!

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      1. I don’t expect it to be- at least, in a way, i dont want it to be. Im scared as to the reality of it and whether we’re just kidding ourselves as we attempt to break free of it. Do we ever break free of it ?No matter how hard we try?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh I do. It was many many years ago. I’ve been true to myself since. I’ve changed for the better. I also made sure whoever I decided to be with could satisfy my mind and my body to the extent that I didn’t need to engage in destructive behavior. Being sober now I am sure my next relationship will be even healthier

        Liked by 1 person

  2. None of my ex’s have cheated on me (as far as I know), but I was guilty of it only once many years ago. It didn’t seem like much of an issue (it was purely physical) until I realised the gravity of what I had done.

    My (now ex)wife wanted to remain together because we had many similar interests, but she never quite looked at me the same way again. There were a lot of emotions behind her eyes whenever we interacted, and it stabbed me in the heart every time I saw them. We would have eventually divorced anyway because we got married for all the wrong reasons, but this should not have been the reason for it.

    Would I do anything different now? Absolutely. It still kills me when I remember that look she had, and I don’t ever want to do that to someone ever again. I am very sorry to hear about your situation because it sounds like you experienced what my ex-wife went through with me, and I hope he realises what he has done as I did.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It boils down to respect. I would feel if someone cheated on me then they were disrespecting me as a person to do something like that behind my back. If someone wanted to cheat I would rather them be honest and end the relationship before they do anything. If it happens on a night out with a random person then it’s still bad even if they were drunk because you don’t get drunk and put yourself in bad situations. I don’t think could forgive anyone because I wouldn’t forget it 😕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It’s true that often it can be cowardly to have an affair instead of end a relationship, too often people pick the easier, more cowardly route than the harder one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A lot of people want to have it both ways too. They want the excitement of a fling or affair but still want the security and niceties of a relationship. It’s a shame really. I will try and make sure to hopefully meet someone with the same ideals as me, everyone can make mistakes but you hope they don’t make them for you.

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      2. Exactly – they want the excitement but the safety blanket to come home to. It goes back to another comment I’ve made questioning how realistic it is to be monogamous. But at the end of the day like you’ve said, everyone makes mistakes (and not just in terms of cheating) we are all human at the end of the day and deserve second chances!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I have cheated and I have been cheated on both. I can say the hurt I felt from being cheated on was worse than the guilt I felt when I was the cheater. But remember, most people will cheat on their spouse/lover at least once in their life. Monogamy is rare amongst all mammals and it’s difficult with temptations everywhere every day. So don’t cast stones at the cheater unless you have lived a long life without ever cheating.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Me and my gf find that polyamory works well for us. Third party lovers have come and gone and we both usually fall in love with them but the two of us have stayed together 13 years now. The variety of sharing a string of different third party lovers over those years, both male and female, has kept us from going behind each other’s back for variety. We never have had to deal with jealousy or hurt. during these 13 years. The third parties always left with fond memories and no hard feelings either. It’s certainly unconventional but it works for us.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That’s incredible! I think if you are both of the same open and willing mindset (which I admit, I don’t think I could be.. I think jealousy would get the better of me!) then it would be a perfect set up!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad you approached this from different angles because it always depends on the circumstances! I was with my first boyfriend for about four years and I found out he’d met another girl the same week we moved in together.. After that the trust was gone! I know other girls/ guys who have forgiven partners who cheated and they are still together and happy. Thanks for this post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thanks for your comment! I thought it was worth weighing up both sides as there are so many factors to consider it’s never a straight forward decision. I hope you are able to trust again one day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. A great topic. This is just FOR ME, not what I think everyone else should do. I could NEVER trust again. The idea that someone would go outside me for someone else would be devastating. I could never see the purity in the thing again. It would be tainted forever. I just couldn’t forget, I might be able to forgive, but there would always be that haunting question in the back of my mind: “Will she do it again?” And that belies the fact as to WHY she would have done that in the first place. Nope, never gonna stick with a person who is that deceitful. Hit the road Jane, and dontcha come back no more, no more, no more.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes. My ex-husband cheated on me. It was difficult to get over, but I probably wouldn’t have stayed. I would have asked for a trial separation and intensive counseling before thinking we could work it out.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been blamed for cheating on 2 occasions: 1) I was raped and hid it from my very Christian boyfriend. When he found out, he broke up with me on the grounds of me being a cheater. 2) While I was going through a bad breakup (with the same guy in instance #1 after we got back together), I confided in another man for support. He was married, but separated from his wife around the same time. His wife found out about our friendship and blamed me for destroying their marriage. I know I was wrong for turning to a married man to confide in while my own relationship was deteriorating, but it was strictly in a platonic basis. They ended up getting divorced and he and I have been dating for going on 2 years now. I write about all of it on my blog if you want more details. https://bexoxoblog.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Full disclosure I was the one who cheated on my then wife. I knew by that point it was over which in part was why I cheated in the first place. I was asked if she said she would take me back would I go back …my answer was no. I knew the trust factor was huge …She wouldn’t trust me again and I knew to be honest as I told a family member at that point in my life I didn’t trust me so going back wasn’t an option for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very refreshing and honest to hear – I guess the trust factor works both ways and it’s very mature of you to admit that you couldn’t fully trust yourself to not do it again instead of just going back to the relationship but deep down knowing it could happen again. Very brave!

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  10. I have given this a lot more thought, and it brought me back to about 3-4 weeks after I got engaged. After a marathon session of having sex with my fiance in the bathtub, she admitted to me that just a few weeks earlier she had sex with one of her ex boyfriends. At the time it bothered me a little, but i didn’t ask much about it and didn’t push things.

    I should have, as it was an indication of things to come.

    I don’t know if she ever cheated on me again, but the whole rest of our time together was filled with other types of betrayals, lies, and lack of respect.

    betraying/cheating on someone at a time when you be working hardest at cementing your relationship, is a clear indication that yours is already heading down the drain.

    I should have asked more, and I should have walked. Because the following years were just more of the same

    When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

    MY MISTAKE WAS NOT BELIEVING HER!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s difficult to not automatically try to see the best in someone that you care about and are in a relationship with.. you want to bat away the negative thoughts and believe it wouldn’t happen again so don’t be too hard on yourself! 🙂

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  11. Nice piece! I took back a cheating spouse twice. Both times it was with an ex-girlfriend he couldn’t get over. Very hard to understand. Ultimately, we didn’t work out. But at least he had understandable reasons and we talked through his hangups. It was worth a shot.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I learned the hard way, ex kept claiming it was just me and him. But he had a family behind my back and moved to the same state. Felt something, had a dream about it. Stomach kept hurting when I went past this building, couldn’t understand why then I found out he lived there. Broke it off. I thought I took every precaution to not be played and to stay away from men like my father but he slipped through.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll try not be hard on myself, I thought I did my best to avoid men like that but I see one slipped through the cracks. Really don’t trust men right now in my life but one day I will. I don’t want to block love coming into my life.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. No! Don’t take him/her back!
    It will hurt to let him/her go… but it’s best for you.
    I once stayed in a relationship where my girlfriend (after weeks) admitted she met someone else. The thought alone killed me. She lives in London. I live in The Netherlands. Everytime she didn’t reply to my messages, I was thinking “she’s with the other guy”.
    Second remark: “the good guys” are single. I consider myself to be a “good guy”. I noticed that most girls like the guys who are in the center of attention. Who flirt.
    But hey! They will flirt with other girls too. And will get all the attention from other girls too… an accident waiting to happen.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I thought I found Mrs. Right.
      I’m writing a book right now about how she cheated on me and dumped me… Hollywood material 😎…
      Being a hopeless romantic, I keep looking for that woman who wants to be loved 100%

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I think cheating/betrayal shouldn’t be tolerated. It’s not tolerated in army, work and other states so why relationships is different.

    BOEGIE… ahh.. If I would get a dollar for every good guy waiting for the girl to look at him I would me millionaire right now. Don’t wait – act! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You raise some valid points and I guess fundamentally the act is just a symptom of the cause which is a major flaw in the relationship. I feel like girls (especially the ones I’m surrounded by) are constantly looking for the nice guy but only finding crappy ones. Do we live in parallel universes?! haha

      Liked by 1 person

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